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Story time!
Many (many) moons ago - when I was just a wee child, living in the wilds of Texas (and this, mind you, predates not only the Dallas Stars, but also the Texas Stars, the Houston Aeros and the much beloved and dearly departed Austin Ice Bats (no seriously)) there was a glorious, if similarly short-lived cartoon called Pro Stars.
Aside: Surely some one out there is also jumping up and down, shouting yes! Right? Surely.
According to Wikipedia, this cartoon aired only in 1991. I remember it being much longer lasting, but then, my memory is no doubt biased.
I need you to keep in mind when you watch this, that this cartoon may in part be responsible for an epic childhood crush on Wayne Gretzky - thus kicking off a lifetime of hockey (and LA Kings) fandom. No, seriously. Circa the early '90s, my logic was: Wayne Gretzky is the best player in hockey. Wayne Gretzky plays for the LA Kings? Ipso facto I am a Kings fan.
Done and done. Sold.
Aside the second: Three childhood figures I was terribly and confusingly unsure of whether I was in love with, or whether I wanted to be them instead: Wayne Gretzky, MacGyver, Hawkeye from M*A*S*H. Make of that what you will.
Here, mind you, is the intro to that cartoon, courtesy of Youtube:
Okay. Are you back? Are you still breathing?
A List of Things That Inspired Feelings:
1) The music. Oh, god. the music. I... Oh, god. I can't.
2) The nonironic use of the word jammin' in the intro.
3) Michael's time is slam time! You know what, I'm not going to be able to quote all the lines of the lyrics that caused feelings, because I would just quote the whole thing.
4) Can we just pause on Michael Jordan for a second, though? I don't know about you guys, but Michael Jordan was probably the first contemporary black man that within my peer group it was acceptable/cool/expected to admire. Was he somehow less threatening than other 6'+ black men? Was it just that his talent was so unbelievably exceptional? Was it the broke-new-grounds-in-its-ubiquity use of him in marketing? Bottom line: MJ was the MAN
5) "Wayne's hot... slapshot" Is this meant as, "Wayne's hot. Slapshot!" Or rather, "Wayne's hot slapshot!" Because can I be honest? Both. They're both hot.
5b)But... the video clip of him scoring while that line is being "sung" is definitely not a slapshot. It is a most excellent backhand. But it's not a slapshot.
5c) Actually, if you were to make a list of Things That Wayne Gretzky is Awesome At, I think "slap shots" would be somewhere down in the double digits.
5d) Fuck it, it's still hot.
6) Wikipedia informs me that Bo Jackson was chosen for his "ability to represent both football and baseball" I mean, I guess? Was there some kind of, like, animation budget that prevented them from having four characters? What the fuck?
7) ...and I'm going to need a minute for some '90s shitty cartoon nostaligia. Sigh. Okay, now I'm good.
8) Oh, dear holy christ. They just came out of lockers. In unison. Do they live in there? Do they change in there or something? IS THERE A MAGIC PORTAL IN THERE? Are they somehow stored in stasis in there until they're needed? WHAT THE FUCK? Is this a closet metaphor? Guys, we could be stumbling onto some deep, root-of-my-fucked-up-obsessions level Freudian, subconscious shit here. No joke.
9) Who the shit are these ladies? I do not remember them AT ALL.
10) ...and Michael Jordan just rescued a little brown child off a fire escape. From a fire. Because a) all brown children live in big-ass apartment buildings? and b) Wait. Isn't the whole point of a fire escape that it HELPS YOU ESCAPE FIRES? No?
11) Buttons on shoes. Pay attention. This will be important again later.
12) Oh, god. Wayne is IN-LINE SKATING. IN A CAVE.
I repeat:
WAYNE GRETZKY IS IN-LINE SKATING IN A CAVE
13) WAYNE GRETZKY'S FLOWING BLONDE LOCKS.
14) Still not over the hair.
15) And the... shorts. Oh, god. Why is Wayne in short-shorts? WHY?
16) MAGIC BUTTON ON THE SKATES. Again? Did the animators have some sort of button-obsession?
17) And he has... magic pucks that transform into boomerangs? And explode? If it's just going to explode, why does it need to transform into a boomerang? IT"S NOT COMING BACK, WAYNE. YOU DON'T WANT THAT SHIT BACK.
17b) And cartoon-Wayne is somehow also a right-handed shot? For... reasons?
17c) And wait, what the shit did he just explode? Some kind of orange robot?
17d) And, WAIT. WTF is that kid doing there? Did Wayne know the kid was there when he was chucking magic exploding pucks/boomerangs blindly down the tunnel?
18) Holy shit, Bo Jackson, that was some sick wall-walking
19) I cannot imagine that the visual juxtaposition of Bo's calves with tree trunks is a coincidence. Did you see those things?
20) Bo is... extracting some kind of environmental vengeance? How does this cartoon compare time-wise to Captain Planet? Same? Earlier?
21) There is no moral here. There is only the vague sensation of being lost. And the sickly-sweet knowledge that somehow this is responsible for being the fan of an organization that would take 40+ years to achieve a Stanley Cup.
...and then trade for Dan Carcillo
Many (many) moons ago - when I was just a wee child, living in the wilds of Texas (and this, mind you, predates not only the Dallas Stars, but also the Texas Stars, the Houston Aeros and the much beloved and dearly departed Austin Ice Bats (no seriously)) there was a glorious, if similarly short-lived cartoon called Pro Stars.
Aside: Surely some one out there is also jumping up and down, shouting yes! Right? Surely.
According to Wikipedia, this cartoon aired only in 1991. I remember it being much longer lasting, but then, my memory is no doubt biased.
I need you to keep in mind when you watch this, that this cartoon may in part be responsible for an epic childhood crush on Wayne Gretzky - thus kicking off a lifetime of hockey (and LA Kings) fandom. No, seriously. Circa the early '90s, my logic was: Wayne Gretzky is the best player in hockey. Wayne Gretzky plays for the LA Kings? Ipso facto I am a Kings fan.
Done and done. Sold.
Aside the second: Three childhood figures I was terribly and confusingly unsure of whether I was in love with, or whether I wanted to be them instead: Wayne Gretzky, MacGyver, Hawkeye from M*A*S*H. Make of that what you will.
Here, mind you, is the intro to that cartoon, courtesy of Youtube:
Okay. Are you back? Are you still breathing?
A List of Things That Inspired Feelings:
1) The music. Oh, god. the music. I... Oh, god. I can't.
2) The nonironic use of the word jammin' in the intro.
3) Michael's time is slam time! You know what, I'm not going to be able to quote all the lines of the lyrics that caused feelings, because I would just quote the whole thing.
4) Can we just pause on Michael Jordan for a second, though? I don't know about you guys, but Michael Jordan was probably the first contemporary black man that within my peer group it was acceptable/cool/expected to admire. Was he somehow less threatening than other 6'+ black men? Was it just that his talent was so unbelievably exceptional? Was it the broke-new-grounds-in-its-ubiquity use of him in marketing? Bottom line: MJ was the MAN
5) "Wayne's hot... slapshot" Is this meant as, "Wayne's hot. Slapshot!" Or rather, "Wayne's hot slapshot!" Because can I be honest? Both. They're both hot.
5b)But... the video clip of him scoring while that line is being "sung" is definitely not a slapshot. It is a most excellent backhand. But it's not a slapshot.
5c) Actually, if you were to make a list of Things That Wayne Gretzky is Awesome At, I think "slap shots" would be somewhere down in the double digits.
5d) Fuck it, it's still hot.
6) Wikipedia informs me that Bo Jackson was chosen for his "ability to represent both football and baseball" I mean, I guess? Was there some kind of, like, animation budget that prevented them from having four characters? What the fuck?
7) ...and I'm going to need a minute for some '90s shitty cartoon nostaligia. Sigh. Okay, now I'm good.
8) Oh, dear holy christ. They just came out of lockers. In unison. Do they live in there? Do they change in there or something? IS THERE A MAGIC PORTAL IN THERE? Are they somehow stored in stasis in there until they're needed? WHAT THE FUCK? Is this a closet metaphor? Guys, we could be stumbling onto some deep, root-of-my-fucked-up-obsessions level Freudian, subconscious shit here. No joke.
9) Who the shit are these ladies? I do not remember them AT ALL.
10) ...and Michael Jordan just rescued a little brown child off a fire escape. From a fire. Because a) all brown children live in big-ass apartment buildings? and b) Wait. Isn't the whole point of a fire escape that it HELPS YOU ESCAPE FIRES? No?
11) Buttons on shoes. Pay attention. This will be important again later.
12) Oh, god. Wayne is IN-LINE SKATING. IN A CAVE.
I repeat:
WAYNE GRETZKY IS IN-LINE SKATING IN A CAVE
13) WAYNE GRETZKY'S FLOWING BLONDE LOCKS.
14) Still not over the hair.
15) And the... shorts. Oh, god. Why is Wayne in short-shorts? WHY?
16) MAGIC BUTTON ON THE SKATES. Again? Did the animators have some sort of button-obsession?
17) And he has... magic pucks that transform into boomerangs? And explode? If it's just going to explode, why does it need to transform into a boomerang? IT"S NOT COMING BACK, WAYNE. YOU DON'T WANT THAT SHIT BACK.
17b) And cartoon-Wayne is somehow also a right-handed shot? For... reasons?
17c) And wait, what the shit did he just explode? Some kind of orange robot?
17d) And, WAIT. WTF is that kid doing there? Did Wayne know the kid was there when he was chucking magic exploding pucks/boomerangs blindly down the tunnel?
18) Holy shit, Bo Jackson, that was some sick wall-walking
19) I cannot imagine that the visual juxtaposition of Bo's calves with tree trunks is a coincidence. Did you see those things?
20) Bo is... extracting some kind of environmental vengeance? How does this cartoon compare time-wise to Captain Planet? Same? Earlier?
21) There is no moral here. There is only the vague sensation of being lost. And the sickly-sweet knowledge that somehow this is responsible for being the fan of an organization that would take 40+ years to achieve a Stanley Cup.
...and then trade for Dan Carcillo
